other shy people always seem to have this magical crazy great side whenever theyre with their ~real friends~

wheres mine

im just nervous anxious second guessing idiot the whole way down with literally everyone wheres my magic amazing mode where i can say anything at all

Every time we’re together it has to be just us and no one else

Then every time you’re without me you go catching up with all these people and all our friends and everyone who I would really like to know but don’t

And then there’s no time when I’m playing and you’re not around because of school, sleep, homework, YouTube.

Why does it have to be just us all the time I know time together is nice but it’s so frustrating to hear that I spend all my time with you, then while I’m out you go hang out with 20 TCers, and play a uhc with those others

I haven’t even been in that team speak yet because we always have to spend time together

And I’m not even frustrated at the time together we just need to do other things I feel like I barely know anyone but you because I never get to spend any time with them because of all this fricking school and all this time just with you

And then you were upset at me because I dared to play the tumblrcrack map reset without you? Sigh yeah I guess that sucked but you know what so does this

Sigh what the fuck why am I such a piece of lame ass shit
Why am I so terrified of school
Why am I so terrible at school
I’ve literally spent the majority of my life as a student and now I have 9 weeks of high school left I can barely think about it without breaking down
And I’m so behind on everything bc I’m terrible
And this is only getting worse bc I’m too scared to go now and can’t bear to catch up on the work
I was told I’d get kicked out of physics if I didn’t hand in this assignment so I spent like 4 hours trying to piece it together
And last night my mum was called and told that I’d only handed in a draft and needed to finish it
I can’t bear to look at it I know I did a terrible job I know it would have been easy 4 months ago but I can’t do better bc I feel like I’ll just explode if I try
And I don’t know what to do
I already saw 2 school counselors
The first was so friendly and understanding but not really helpful
The second was just like ok you need to do work go do it
So helpful
He was just so rushed and forceful that I was cornered into bullshitting some work plan where I did everything in 2 nights and I never saw him again
And now I’m here a month later and deeper in this dumb hole I’ve dug
I honestly don’t see myself graduating
Which is terrible because I came so close finishing these last 12 1/2 years of school
And it’s taken me so much mental effort and stressed me so much to even crawl out and try this year but it’s just not fricking good enough and I’m not getting anywhere and no one can help me because it’s all just me being a piece of shit who can’t even hear the word school without searching for distractions and excuses and convincing myself that everything else in the world is more important

And I’m just about ready to move out of home and rent the shittiest apartment there is and live on the cheapest potatoes and other shitty cheap food and work a shitty job at the supermarket or whatever or maybe just go get married and let my girlfriend do all the work

Bc that to me sounds like a more viable option than doing my fucking homework and being able to follow the career I want in programming and not having my parents hate me

How did it fucking get to be like this

I’m so sorry to everyone who’s ever cared about me bc I’m just a disappointment who can’t do anything and isn’t even miserable enough about it to off myself like I fucking deserve